Saturday, 19 March 2011

here it comes

I guess I'm pretty new to all this, I'm sixteen and live in Cornwall... I don't know if I even qualify to say that I actually do live in Cornwall any more.. yeah, my parents put our house up for sale about a month ago... I disagree, but like they say 'it's not up to you' so I don't put any input in any more to any 'family agreements', which usually involves my brother incessantly shouting. at me. I'm also in the middle of my A levels at sixth form, Philosophy, English Lit, Art, and yes.. re sit Maths... my ultimate vice bleurghh. I've tried to put my point across that moving would cause a lot of problems for this in the future, but yet again it's not about me. So I feel kind of in a complication, I mean, if I do move... it means starting somewhere else, meeting new people. I'm not exactly enthralled by this thought to say the least. And I guess I'm kind of in a really bad place at the moment to, not location wise, just myself in general. Things are just going down hill. Every thing seems to be changing so frequently, i can't keep up, and especially people. I hate the feeling of not being stable, like no foundations to support me. That's how i feel most of the time. And also the feeling that every single day is the same routine, just repetition. The same feelings, thoughts, and the same me. And the same question usually lingers around somewhere, the whole 'what's the point of anything?' I always think that what we amount to doesn't really matter in the end... it's kind of worthless. But then i also think, what if it does matter? Nobody really knows what's at the end and maybe I should make the most of what I have, especially people. I often get moments where I see the bigger picture of life, but only for a few seconds then it slips away from my grasp. I get the feeling I'm losing everyone around me, I don't feel safe being anywhere any more, my paranoia is really getting the better of me.. I do want to stay in this area, but sixth form really is killing me, just the place and the people, the only good thing about it is Charlotte, she keeps me going. She's the only reason i am hesitant to move, I couldn't leave her behind, a friend like her couldn't be made again. My feelings for her are really obscure at the moment... ellipsis.
there's also him, he's always somewhere at the back of mind, laughing, because he knows he has power over me. I'm realising that he;s there and I'm here, and that he's going to go on his own path and journey, and leave me behind. I've come to the conclusion that I should just give up, it's slowly what I'm doing, I'm not sure if i can let anyone in again. He's one of the reasons I'm just.. the way I am. 

Anyway, I got my English Literature results back last Thursday... I gained a D, I wasn't pleased but I know i can make it higher with coursework, and personally, I think that was quite a good grade considering I was blazed and literally hugging the toilet as I was sick the night before; so I'd like to give myself a bit of credit. And for the record, I don't smoke cannabis religiously, I attended a friends eighteenth birthday party, consumed some 'cake' and then became rather intoxicated by alcohol. 
I should stop procrastinating and do my coursework for english, my essays for philosophy and continue with my sketchbook for art. Oh the joys of A levels. I do eventually want to go to uni though, i'm just still really un sure of where and when.

This is such a beautiful song, all there music is beautiful. I heard them thanks to Jamie. I've been listening to them as often as I can. They give me goosebumps and the feeling that you can forget about everything

I also want to just say that Joseph Gordon-Levitt from 500 days of summer & inception is so very gorgeous. He's got great talent and a perfect voice. I'd reccomend watching 500 days of summer to anyone :3

i'm afraid i may need to go and get my next caffeine fix...

ciao xxxxx

No comments:

Post a Comment